An Authority on Nothing

A place for me to say some things to some people

I Wish I Was Racist

I wish I was racist

The world would be so much easier to navigate.

My uncle recently complained about money disappearing out of his bank account.

I told him to call customer service.

He said, “There’s no need. The Jews took it.”

I was awed that someone could be so certain about anything, and so nonchalant about perceived robbery. I spend so much time trying to keep my finances in order, and this guy maintains the level-headedness of a Tibetan monk while his account evaporates. Some people reach a Zen state through meditation, or drugs. He’s achieved clarity through his hatred for another group of people. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

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Jan 10, 2017 – October, 2017

They say that psychologically, time passes slower when you consistently immerse yourself into new experiences. Sometimes someone else dunks you into those experiences against your will, but it’s


the same end result.

That’s why a week of looking at spreadsheets makes you want to rip your fingernails out while grinding through the process, but when you look back at the end of the week, it feels like you haven’t done a damn thing. On the other hand, traveling to a new place for a week makes it feel like you have Monarch Butterflies in your urethra (in the good way), and days seem to last forever.

This last year and a half has been a long one for me.

Jan 10, 2017:

The day I was fired. I changed my Linkedin account to show that I was open to looking for a new job, so that only recruiters c


ould see it. A recruiter in the area found it, happened to be friends with my CEO. He told my CEO, and my CEO fired me on the spot, which created a vacancy in the company. As luck would have it, the recruiter

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Week 5 – Whoa, are you like, using Facebook, or is Facebook, like, using you man?


Facebook is the killer of all creativity and individuality.

How can you think for yourself when you are hit with a constant barrage of suggestions on how to think?

You like Michelle, and she likes Jill Stein, so maybe you like Jill Stein too. It sounds silly to articulate but how many of us are making decisions solely off of the opinions of others? I saw one two-minute clip of Jill Stein and was on board – no questions asked. I’m embarrassed to say I was swayed so quickly, and after looking deeper, we could have elected a TeleTubby with the same do-good attitude as well as the same intellect, but how many of us are basing important decisions (i.e. electing the President of the United States) solely off of the opinions of others on social media?

Do you see a movie because of the trailer, or because of the reviews from other people?

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Week 4 – Micro Diary – Homelessness and Tuna Sandwiches


I bought a dude a Tuna sandwich that was sitting outside of a Trader Joes – Well like, I bought the sandwich inside the Trader Joes.

The dude – He was sitting outside of it (the store)

I walked toward him, and a kid wearing a Gerogetown Law T-shirt told him to “get a job” (Not like, in a motivational way)

I walked up to the guy and he was clearly shook by the comment – I didn’t really know what to say so I just handed him the sandwich and prepared to keep walking.

He looked at it, handed it back, and said “Thank you brother but I don’t like tuna fish.”

So the first reaction – “Homie you’re sitting on the streets. You don’t have much room to be picky” – and before the thought was completed he said, in a super sincere fashion – “Only white people eat mayonnaise”

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Week 1 – Because “That’s the way it’s always been done” isn’t great rationale

I know a guy who is overcome with anxiety if he doesn’t flip a light switch three times before he leaves a room. He thinks forgetting to do so will cause another mass shooting. That is wild to me.

My thought: “Thank God I don’t have any mental issues like that.” To ensure I remained sane, I knocked on the coffee table three times before the thought was finished. “Holy shit. I have OCD, and it’s learned.”

Like a ghost vibration – You check your phone multiple times throughout the night because you think you feel something jingling around in your pocket. That’s not normal, but it’s accepted as commonplace.

If I was to get up and open the front door three time, and there was no one there to let in, you’d think I was a nutcase.

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Week 2 – Self-doubt, perspective and 50 Cent (The VitaminWater guy)

It’s hard to maintain self-worth when you’re unemployed. You don’t have a concrete direction, and you’re not in a position that you’ve been told a college education and a master’s degree will afford you. It is difficult to fight back the feeling that you, personally are the problem. It’s the equivalent of when you’re four-years-old, and your mom tells you “It was no one’s fault” your goldfish died, but you have the sneaking suspicion that if you would have fed it, this toilet funeral could have been avoided.

The thought of self-doubt was followed by cursing a system that requires you to fit into a nine-to-five mold. It’s easy to become jaded, and ponder if people would be where they are if it weren’t for social class, nepotism, race, gender, etc. It’s easy to forget the privileges you have been provided. It’s easy to fall into a rut.

Then you run into the gas station attendant, riding into work singing Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball, while the song blares from a boombox bungee corded down to the back of his bike. Everything in society is telling that guy he should be in a deeper rut than me. Why isn’t he?

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